Why empathy is overrated

And what you need instead

We all know that empathy is the gold standard of being a good person, right? The ability to step into another’s shoes, and feel their pain. But what if empathy isn’t all its cracked up to be? What if it isn’t actually helping as much as you think- least of all, you?

This might sound insensitive, almost heretical coming from a therapist. But please hear me out!

The definition of empathy is ‘The ability to understand and share the feelings of another’ . It literally means feeling someone else’s experience. If you are empathic, your brain doesn’t just imagine the difficult breakup that your friend told you about, or the painful neglect you read about online, or the horrors on the news you watched last night- your brain experiences and feels it.

Neuroscience backs this up: studies by Tania Singer (neuroscientist, psychologist and expert on empathy and compassion) and colleagues found that empathic distress activates the pain circuits of the brain — the same areas that light up when you experience suffering yourself.

In other words, your system starts to carry their pain.

It’s contagious. It floods your nervous system. You start to feel depleted, heavy, tired or irritable. And because you’re empathic, you probably also feel guilty for needing space. This can be a one way ticket to burnout- not good.

Sound familiar?

In short, empathy is draining. Its like giving your umbrella away in a thunderstorm.

Ok so empathy isn’t always the solution. So now what?

I’m not for a moment suggesting we all go about our lives without a care for others- quite the opposite!

Because this is where compassion comes in.

Compassion is sharing your umbrella. Extending its benefit, but still keeping yourself dry.

Where empathy absorbs the suffering of others, compassion witnesses it, and responds wisely and with kindness.

Neuroscientifically, compassion lights up different areas of the brain — those linked with love, reward, and affiliation (the medial orbitofrontal cortex and striatum). When we practice compassion, our body releases oxytocin, our heart rate stabilises, and we can stay grounded while helping others. We can be an ally, without losing ourselves to the suffering of those around us.

It’s an energy of reliability rather than rescue. And that makes it sustainable.

I truly believe that if Carl Rogers has formulated his 3 core counselling conditions today, instead of in the late 50’s, they would be Compassion, Congruence, and Unconditional Positive Regard. The research and understanding of the science behind different caring states has come a long way in the last 60 years.

Empathy, especially when you haven’t yet established strong boundaries, or are especially sensitive, is hard work. Ask me how I know! I used to lie awake at night, worrying about the stray dogs. Not any particular dog- just all the stray dogs, all over the world! Did my lack of sleep and nervous system dysregulation help one single one of those stray dogs? Nope!

But now I can actively cultivate and practice compassion for stray dogs, I care just as much about dogs- but I don’t leak my emotional energy away for no good reason. And I’m sleeping better.

The biggest difference

But the part thats most overlooked about the difference between empathy and compassion?

Who you attract.

Empathy- especially without boundaries- tends to attract takers. People who have no problem in spilling their troubles onto you, and expecting you to do the emotional heavy lifting. At the extreme end, this includes energy vampires- those with narcissistic traits, who don’t have the emotional intelligence or desire to own and carry their own pain, or respect other’s boundaries and limits. They prey on people who say yes when they mean no. This one way street can ruin people’s lives! Compassion gives you the ability to say no, in a kind and caring way.

Empathy says, “I’ll carry it for you.”
Compassion says, “I’ll walk beside you while you carry it yourself.”

When your nervous system stops merging with other people’s distress, you stop magnetising situations and people where you’re needed to fix or rescue.
You move from overextending to empowered giving.

And paradoxically, your relationships, and your work, can then become deeper and more authentic.

It doesn’t have to hurt.

Most empaths are brilliant at feeling other people’s pain. But when it comes to their own, they tighten, criticise, shame themselves for having needs, or push through it.

That’s why self-compassion is where the real magic happens.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Paul Gilbert, (both leading compassion researchers) self-compassion literally breaks the brain’s negativity bias — that default wiring that constantly scans for what’s wrong, unsafe, or not good enough.

When you practice self-compassion, you re-train your nervous system to notice safety, kindness, and goodness again.
Your body can feeel safe enough to truly relax. Your threat response quietens. This dials down your pain perception, depressive tendencies, anxiety and stress levels. Your energy becomes available for healing, creativity, and connection.

The more compassion you cultivate- for yourself and others- the more capacity you have to genuinely help. Not from obligation or guilt, or by leaking your limited energy. But from your ability to be present, and with an overflowing cup.

Empathy is draining. Compassion is sustaining.

The energy of empathy is feeling someone’s pain and then growing smaller, with less capacity. The energy of compassion witnesses pain and helps both people grow.

I used to believe that empathy was one of my best traits- until I realised it was also one of my biggest energy leaks. Now I practice compassion- towards myself, my clients, my loved ones and the wider world. Its infinitely more sustainable, and feels lighter and cleaner. It allows me to stay regulated, and flexible, and to put down my concerns at the end of each day, and rest- and being rested and regulated gives me better access to my internal resources, to share with those around me.

I no longer need to lose myself in the process of being a caring human. And nor do you.

When your care is rooted in compassion instead of empathy, you don’t drown in other people’s suffering, you become the calm shore they can finally rest on.

If you need some support to transition from empathy to compassion, I’d be happy to walk alongside you on your journey. It could be the difference between fatigue and burnout, and capacity and energy. Why not reach out to find out more?

Self- care as an act of resistance- why its sometimes necessary to turn away from the sorrows of the world

Lets be honest- the world is in a mess right now, isn't it? With all of the technological advances, knowledge, and lesson of the past to draw from- you’d think humans would have learnt from their mistakes by now, surely? But there is greater instability, violence, ecological catastrophe, misinformation and polarisation than ever.

It all feels… too much. Exhausting. Never ending. How difficult can it be for people to just be kind to each other?

And we try to take it all in, to be aware and not turn away too much, and still run our own lives- dealing with health issues, hormones, children, partners, jobs, trying to get enough exercise and sleep- its no wonder that burnout and fatigue syndromes are on the rise. Perhaps you also do more than stay informed- maybe you are an activist, an ally, or maybe you are in a marginalised group, and feel the pressure directly.

This blog is written with the full acknowledgement that I have a certain level of privilege which allows me to have this viewpoint, for which I’m eternally grateful. Growing up in a single parent family, in poverty, with a chronically ill mum on benefits, my privilege came to me later in life, and is hard earned-  but it is still privilege . This is also written with the awareness that you will have differing levels of privilege and hardships, as we are all individuals with unique circumstances.

As far as I know none of you live in Gaza, or Yemen, or Ukraine. And even if the protections of a democratic society seem to be crumbling around us, and xenophobia and right wing propaganda are on the rise, (I’m a massive leftie, for those who hadn’t guessed- and I will always advocate for human rights and decency) we still live in countries that - for now at least- have some sort of due process under democratic law. So within that, we all have some privilege, to varying degrees.

Now this isn’t a blog about politics- but self care and therapy, in my view, are inherently political. Why? Because what the greedy few at the top want is for us to be easily controlled- and how do you control people? By limiting their access to resources, keeping them angry and sad and small, making them confused and dependant, and pitting them against each other.

What they don’t want is happy, optimistic, rested, resourced, independent, self- aware and communicative people. People who realise their power, influence and worth. People who have the capacity to hold it all- the heaviness and the joy, the sadness and the amazingness of it all. Seen this way, self care is an act of resistance.

When we continuously expose ourselves to the unrelenting tragedy of it all, we inadvertently make ourselves more sick- because humans never evolved to be able to absorb so much bad news all the time. We evolved in small cooperative hunter gatherer groups, with no such thing as capitalism or billionaires or Twitter.

The continuous drip feed of war, famine, exploitation, unfairness, greed, ecological disaster etc all registers as DANGER to our limbic and nervous systems- pushing blood pressure up, activating the HPA axis to generate stress hormones, suppressing our feel good hormones, making our breath shallow, keeping our minds racing, making it harder to rest and to sleep- all of which is synonymous with chronic pain, illness, anxiety, depression and stress.

Now, if you are at the front line- for example, your house has been flooded due to climate change/ your family live in or needed to escape an unsafe country/ you are being victimised for being LGBTQ/ BIPOC- (all situations my clients have had to experience) then some of this is unescapable. And I’m not for one second saying turn your back to the world and live in cloud cuckoo land, and pretend that none of it is happening.

We owe it to the world to compassionately witness the truth, and to try, however we can, to make the world a better place- but we also owe it to the world, and to OURSELVES, the capacity to do so, without overwhelm. It doesn’t help the victims of gun violence to cry ourselves to sleep at night. It doesn’t help save endangered species if our blood pressure is sky high. We can’t be good activists/ truth tellers/ change makers if we are exhausted, burnt out and stressed to the max. It just makes us more ill, and doesn’t add any net positive to the world at all.

So what is the middle path? How to navigate the world without turning a blind eye, whilst at the same time caring for ourselves? This path requires strong boundaries, proactive effort to practice self care, and the capacity to tolerate discomfort without it swamping us.

Its easy to be distraught, on edge, pessimistic and run down. Its harder to be buoyant, optimistic, and energetic. But the world doesn’t need more upset and hopeless people. The world needs YOU to be happy and positive, even in the face of great adversity- whether personal or collective.

How do we do that? I can only speak from my personal experience, but here are some things I actively do, to ensure that I have the bandwidth to be a responsible human without burning out-

I prioritise my self care. Louder for those at the back- self care is not selfish. In fact, its selfish to NOT care for yourself. If you don’t care for yourself, either you have unmet needs (which helps no one, least of all yourself) or someone else has to meet those needs for you. Putting yourself first gives you CAPACITY.

Greater capacity- more energy- more attention- better ability to be there for others.

Self care for me is going to bed at the same time each night, eating foods that love me back, getting exercise first thing in the morning, being conscious of what I consume- no violent movies or 24/ 7 news exposure, and spending as much time as possible in nature.

Do you need to do any of these things more? What do you need to do less of? What would be the first step towards making this a habit, if so?

Self care for me is also letting myself feel my feelings, and let them run through me, without suppressing them. This involves regularly turning inward and acknowledging how I feel, not numbing myself or pushing uncomfortable feelings away, not shaming myself for being upset, but instead being compassionate towards my own pain, crying if I need to, and journaling or talking about it afterwards.

Are you suppressing any feelings? Do you have a ‘positive vibes only’ mentality or are you able to make room for the tough feelings too? Are you overwhelmed by your feelings, or able to process them in a way that increases your bandwidth?

I remind myself of at least 3 things I’m grateful for, every day. I do this before I get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes they are big things, sometimes small. This is a form of brain retraining, that counteracts our inherent negativity bias.

What are you grateful for? Can you commit to counting your blessings every day?

I ask for help- I have regular therapy, supervision, I talk to my husband, family and friends, and I’m in several online support and advocacy groups.

Who have you got in your corner? How are you lacking support? Who might you turn to, to feel more supported?

I seek out uplifting, funny, supportive content. For me thats silly memes, dog rescue videos, afrobeat music, travel and adventure documentaries and colourful art.

For you, this may be different. What lights you up? What makes you feel expansive, uplifted, grateful, full of wonder?

I try to sing and dance and laugh every day. Indigenous shamanic therapy consisted of asking these 3 questions- "When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories?” Doing these things is an ancient and hard wired way to light up our soul.

When was the last time you sang, danced, and listened to stories? Could you start doing a little more of these things, more regularly?

I stay informed intentionally- I engage with news sources I trust, don’t mindlessly have the orange clown’s voice on in the background, and try not to wade into pointless arguments on social media. (Hands up- sometimes I fail.) Nobody changed anyone’s mind by fighting on Facebook, did they? I also limit my exposure to global news. I want to know whats happening, and to be awake and aware. I don’t want to make myself sick and tired whilst I do.

What’s one way you can engage with the wider world, without it frying your nervous system and pushing you into panic mode?

I am aware of my values, and the priorities that my values contribute to. If something isn’t in line with my priorities, or my values, I don’t do it. An example of this for me is not getting involved in other people’s disagreements, not entertaining unhelpful thoughts, and not putting energy and time into anything that doesn’t deserve it. This enables me to live with integrity and feel that I’m on the right path.

Are you aware of your own priorities and values? Where might you be leaking time and energy?

The world needs your precious care- but it also needs you to show up resourced and rested. By focusing some time on what lights you up, gives you energy, and helps you feel positive, you are better able to contribute in a way that doesn’t deplete you in the process.

What’s the big deal about self care, anyway?

Everyone knows that self care is important, right? In certain wellness circles, it seems to be talked about as the answer to all life’s woes. But maybe it feels like you don’t have the incentive, the time or the money to invest more in yourself, or you don’t know where to start, or why, or maybe you have a deeper limiting belief such as ‘I don’t deserve it’ or ‘its selfish to focus on myself’

So I’d like to offer perhaps a differing perspective on self care, why its such a big deal, and how you can introduce more of it into your daily life- and it all comes down to your Nervous System.

Our Central Nervous System (CNS) is comprised of our brain stem and our spinal cord, and its constantly hard at work to keep you safe, under the level of conscious awareness. Without realising it, or even having to think about it, all day every day, your CNS is always making the assessment- “am I safe? Am I in danger?” This spidey sense is called Neuroception and is very helpful when its correctly calibrated (having a ‘gut feeling’ about something is an example of this)

But sometimes it can get stuck in a hyper alert, hyper sensitive setting- and then it starts doing its job too well. This is due to your vagus nerve being out of whack. (Technically, its a result of having low vagal tone) When this happens, it can perceive danger where there is none- which can lead to things like IBS, (as your vagus nerve is also responsible for digestion), feeling on edge, jumpy, unable to sleep, in pain, symptomatic, overthinking, hypervigilance, feeling tired but wired- and then we can get stuck like this- sometimes for years.

This is a perfectly understandable response to a CNS that has been overtaxed- perhaps through high stress levels, chronic illness, grief, trauma, or otherwise difficult life experiences and circumstances. And after a while, you may come to identify with this overprotective setting, and include it as part of your personality- “ I’m just an anxious person” ‘or “thats just how life is” could be a story that you tell yourself.

But that doesn’t mean you are stuck like this! Because our brains and bodies have the ability to change at any time, when we soothe our CNS, this hypersensitivity can be dialled down, and can stay down.

Think about it like this- if you have a dog, and the dog feels that its job is to protect you, then without the right input, (training, and soothing, to feel safe and calm) your guard dog will become overprotective, and this could lead to big trouble. What happens to the postman when he tries to post your letters? Your guard dog bites them on the hand. It was just trying to help, but has made things worse.

Your CNS is your internal guard dog. Without the right sort of messaging, it can make your life worse by being constantly triggered by things that it shouldn’t need to react to.

This is where self care comes in.

When we proactively meet our own needs, it soothes our internal guard dog, and helps us feel safe. This internal sense of safety dials down our reaction to perceived threat, and helps us clearly assess our internal and external environments.

Certain part of your brain that are responsible for translating that internal alarm into cues to feel pain, also overlap with parts of your brain that are responsible for intuiting unmet needs (hunger, thirst,  tiredness, the need to pee, the need to move/ socialise/ have a hug/ be alone) so when you don’t meet these needs, those parts of your brain are activated in a way that makes your perception of pain and symptoms worse.

The answer to this is to meet your own needs, which creates an internal sense of safety, soothes your guard dog, resets your threat response, and dials down pain/ symptoms.

So first of all, try asking yourself- am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Do I need a nap? Do I need a hug? Or time to be alone? And then meeting those essential needs, every day, is the first important step. And it may sound obvious, but its very easy to be too busy and outwardly focused then overlook those basic cues- and wind up feeling worse for it.

The second step to calm your alarm system is to gift yourself soothing experiences to add into your sense of wellbeing and safety. These don’t need to cost any money, or take up much time- even 5 minutes a day can make a difference.

Here are 8 ideas for free 5 minute microbreaks that you can include into your day-

1- BREATH AWARENESS AND SLOW BREATHING

Noticing how you breathe, and then choosing to slow your breath down to a pace that you find comfortable, and maintain that slow, steady and comfortable pace for 5- 10 minutes is one of the best ways you can soothe your internal alarm. Your CNS places the highest importance on the state of your breath, as its such an important function.

Yet it can go completely overlooked, and end up fueling anxiety, fear, panic, alarm- all of which gets translated into pain by your brain. Box breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4) or Coherent breathing (In for 4, out for 6) are 2 simple ways you can use your breath to bring you into a calm and safe nervous system state.

2- SHAKING, BOUNCING, PATTING AND STROKING

Patting your body from head to toe, gentle strokes (can be done over clothes), bouncing on your heels, and shaking your body are all ways to encourage interception (internal awareness) and to move out of a stressed physical state into a place of calm and relaxation. We hold stress in our bodies as well as our minds, and these simple practices all help to complete the stress cycle, discharge stress hormones, and convey care and attention to your body.

3- DANCING AND SINGING

For all the reasons as above, except to your favourite tune. Moving your body in a way that feels good and enjoyable conveys safety and helps to release stored tension. Singing directly tones your vagus nerve, helping it- and therefore you- come back to balance.

4- REACHING OUT

Lets face it- staying in contact with our friends and loved ones is hard isn't it? You blink, and 6 months has gone by. Why not send a text to someone you haven’t connected with for a while? Feeling close to people is one of the best and easiest ways to feel safe, but it doesn’t have to be only the deepest and closest friendships that you cultivate- although obviously they are important.

Studies show that even just interacting with people in shops fosters a sense of belonging and connection. So touching base with, and sending a quick hello to someone you have been meaning to message, and keeping your friendships going- even if its just on the phone or via text-is an easy way to feel secure, connected and loved.

5- NOTICING AND CATCHING FEAR BASED THOUGHTS

Once you step back and observe your thoughts, you will realise how many of them are repetitive, fear based, and possibly not even based on facts. Being able to catch yourself when you are prone to catastrophisation, rumination or faulty thinking (such as black and white thinking or overgeneralisation) gives you the chance to take a step back in your mind, not buy into the thought, and observe your mind.

Because you are not your thoughts- you are the thinker of your thoughts. This gives you the space to create new, up to date, accurate and helpful thoughts instead.

6- LONG DISTANCE GAZING

There is a reason people throughout history have tended to live on the top of hills- because when you can see far into the distanced, you activate your peripheral vision in a way that can detect threat, and in the absence of threat, your brain finds it easier to stay calm.

So simply by gazing into the distance, you can tap into this ability to feel safe. You could also combine this with breath awareness, noticing and catching your thoughts, or shaking and bouncing for extra self soothing effects.

7- JOURNALLING

Dumping out your thoughts onto paper helps them stop circulating round your head- it also helps you to organise your thinking, reflect on any patterns and progress, and become more self aware. Journalling regularly is a fantastic way of calming and clearing the mind. If you aren’t sure where to start, writing down your worries, how you feel in your body, your hopes, dreams and plans, and what you are grateful for is a great place to start.

8- MAKING A GRATITUDE LIST

Its soooo easy to focus on whats negative in our lives! And this isn’t a personal flaw- in fact, its an inbuilt survival mechanism which has evolved alongside humans to keep us safe. After all, it wasn’t the early humans who were sitting around the fire without a care in the world who didn’t get eaten by predators or attacked by another tribe- it was the humans scanning for danger on the horizon, alert to possible threat.

We evolved from those survivors, and we inherited their tendencies. But this mechanism now works against us, and the threat is that argument on Facebook, job instability, turning on the news, or even our own thoughts- but our bodies react in the same predicable way- stress hormones, tightness and tension, fast and shallow breathing. The way out of this is by noticing and focusing on the things around you that make you feel safe, happy, fulfilled. These are your Glimmers. They are the opposite of Triggers.

Writing them down is the best way of starting to habitually pay attention to the good in your life. This exercise rewires your brain away from the negativity bias and towards joy and all the benefits that it brings. It could be as simple and small as a flower in your garden, a cup of tea or coffee, a feeling of comfort somewhere in your body. Start with 3 things. But once you start noticing, you won’t stop- because in spite of the stress and anxiety of day to day life, once you start paying attention to the little things that bring you joy, you won’t be able to stop at just 3.

When we create time to invest in these simple, easy, free and effective practices regularly, we are giving ourselves support that pays off big time for our nervous systems.

So why not start incorporating them into your day to day life?