Why empathy is overrated

And what you need instead

We all know that empathy is the gold standard of being a good person, right? The ability to step into another’s shoes, and feel their pain. But what if empathy isn’t all its cracked up to be? What if it isn’t actually helping as much as you think- least of all, you?

This might sound insensitive, almost heretical coming from a therapist. But please hear me out!

The definition of empathy is ‘The ability to understand and share the feelings of another’ . It literally means feeling someone else’s experience. If you are empathic, your brain doesn’t just imagine the difficult breakup that your friend told you about, or the painful neglect you read about online, or the horrors on the news you watched last night- your brain experiences and feels it.

Neuroscience backs this up: studies by Tania Singer (neuroscientist, psychologist and expert on empathy and compassion) and colleagues found that empathic distress activates the pain circuits of the brain — the same areas that light up when you experience suffering yourself.

In other words, your system starts to carry their pain.

It’s contagious. It floods your nervous system. You start to feel depleted, heavy, tired or irritable. And because you’re empathic, you probably also feel guilty for needing space. This can be a one way ticket to burnout- not good.

Sound familiar?

In short, empathy is draining. Its like giving your umbrella away in a thunderstorm.

Ok so empathy isn’t always the solution. So now what?

I’m not for a moment suggesting we all go about our lives without a care for others- quite the opposite!

Because this is where compassion comes in.

Compassion is sharing your umbrella. Extending its benefit, but still keeping yourself dry.

Where empathy absorbs the suffering of others, compassion witnesses it, and responds wisely and with kindness.

Neuroscientifically, compassion lights up different areas of the brain — those linked with love, reward, and affiliation (the medial orbitofrontal cortex and striatum). When we practice compassion, our body releases oxytocin, our heart rate stabilises, and we can stay grounded while helping others. We can be an ally, without losing ourselves to the suffering of those around us.

It’s an energy of reliability rather than rescue. And that makes it sustainable.

I truly believe that if Carl Rogers has formulated his 3 core counselling conditions today, instead of in the late 50’s, they would be Compassion, Congruence, and Unconditional Positive Regard. The research and understanding of the science behind different caring states has come a long way in the last 60 years.

Empathy, especially when you haven’t yet established strong boundaries, or are especially sensitive, is hard work. Ask me how I know! I used to lie awake at night, worrying about the stray dogs. Not any particular dog- just all the stray dogs, all over the world! Did my lack of sleep and nervous system dysregulation help one single one of those stray dogs? Nope!

But now I can actively cultivate and practice compassion for stray dogs, I care just as much about dogs- but I don’t leak my emotional energy away for no good reason. And I’m sleeping better.

The biggest difference

But the part thats most overlooked about the difference between empathy and compassion?

Who you attract.

Empathy- especially without boundaries- tends to attract takers. People who have no problem in spilling their troubles onto you, and expecting you to do the emotional heavy lifting. At the extreme end, this includes energy vampires- those with narcissistic traits, who don’t have the emotional intelligence or desire to own and carry their own pain, or respect other’s boundaries and limits. They prey on people who say yes when they mean no. This one way street can ruin people’s lives! Compassion gives you the ability to say no, in a kind and caring way.

Empathy says, “I’ll carry it for you.”
Compassion says, “I’ll walk beside you while you carry it yourself.”

When your nervous system stops merging with other people’s distress, you stop magnetising situations and people where you’re needed to fix or rescue.
You move from overextending to empowered giving.

And paradoxically, your relationships, and your work, can then become deeper and more authentic.

It doesn’t have to hurt.

Most empaths are brilliant at feeling other people’s pain. But when it comes to their own, they tighten, criticise, shame themselves for having needs, or push through it.

That’s why self-compassion is where the real magic happens.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Paul Gilbert, (both leading compassion researchers) self-compassion literally breaks the brain’s negativity bias — that default wiring that constantly scans for what’s wrong, unsafe, or not good enough.

When you practice self-compassion, you re-train your nervous system to notice safety, kindness, and goodness again.
Your body can feeel safe enough to truly relax. Your threat response quietens. This dials down your pain perception, depressive tendencies, anxiety and stress levels. Your energy becomes available for healing, creativity, and connection.

The more compassion you cultivate- for yourself and others- the more capacity you have to genuinely help. Not from obligation or guilt, or by leaking your limited energy. But from your ability to be present, and with an overflowing cup.

Empathy is draining. Compassion is sustaining.

The energy of empathy is feeling someone’s pain and then growing smaller, with less capacity. The energy of compassion witnesses pain and helps both people grow.

I used to believe that empathy was one of my best traits- until I realised it was also one of my biggest energy leaks. Now I practice compassion- towards myself, my clients, my loved ones and the wider world. Its infinitely more sustainable, and feels lighter and cleaner. It allows me to stay regulated, and flexible, and to put down my concerns at the end of each day, and rest- and being rested and regulated gives me better access to my internal resources, to share with those around me.

I no longer need to lose myself in the process of being a caring human. And nor do you.

When your care is rooted in compassion instead of empathy, you don’t drown in other people’s suffering, you become the calm shore they can finally rest on.

If you need some support to transition from empathy to compassion, I’d be happy to walk alongside you on your journey. It could be the difference between fatigue and burnout, and capacity and energy. Why not reach out to find out more?

Self- care as an act of resistance- why its sometimes necessary to turn away from the sorrows of the world

Lets be honest- the world is in a mess right now, isn't it? With all of the technological advances, knowledge, and lesson of the past to draw from- you’d think humans would have learnt from their mistakes by now, surely? But there is greater instability, violence, ecological catastrophe, misinformation and polarisation than ever.

It all feels… too much. Exhausting. Never ending. How difficult can it be for people to just be kind to each other?

And we try to take it all in, to be aware and not turn away too much, and still run our own lives- dealing with health issues, hormones, children, partners, jobs, trying to get enough exercise and sleep- its no wonder that burnout and fatigue syndromes are on the rise. Perhaps you also do more than stay informed- maybe you are an activist, an ally, or maybe you are in a marginalised group, and feel the pressure directly.

This blog is written with the full acknowledgement that I have a certain level of privilege which allows me to have this viewpoint, for which I’m eternally grateful. Growing up in a single parent family, in poverty, with a chronically ill mum on benefits, my privilege came to me later in life, and is hard earned-  but it is still privilege . This is also written with the awareness that you will have differing levels of privilege and hardships, as we are all individuals with unique circumstances.

As far as I know none of you live in Gaza, or Yemen, or Ukraine. And even if the protections of a democratic society seem to be crumbling around us, and xenophobia and right wing propaganda are on the rise, (I’m a massive leftie, for those who hadn’t guessed- and I will always advocate for human rights and decency) we still live in countries that - for now at least- have some sort of due process under democratic law. So within that, we all have some privilege, to varying degrees.

Now this isn’t a blog about politics- but self care and therapy, in my view, are inherently political. Why? Because what the greedy few at the top want is for us to be easily controlled- and how do you control people? By limiting their access to resources, keeping them angry and sad and small, making them confused and dependant, and pitting them against each other.

What they don’t want is happy, optimistic, rested, resourced, independent, self- aware and communicative people. People who realise their power, influence and worth. People who have the capacity to hold it all- the heaviness and the joy, the sadness and the amazingness of it all. Seen this way, self care is an act of resistance.

When we continuously expose ourselves to the unrelenting tragedy of it all, we inadvertently make ourselves more sick- because humans never evolved to be able to absorb so much bad news all the time. We evolved in small cooperative hunter gatherer groups, with no such thing as capitalism or billionaires or Twitter.

The continuous drip feed of war, famine, exploitation, unfairness, greed, ecological disaster etc all registers as DANGER to our limbic and nervous systems- pushing blood pressure up, activating the HPA axis to generate stress hormones, suppressing our feel good hormones, making our breath shallow, keeping our minds racing, making it harder to rest and to sleep- all of which is synonymous with chronic pain, illness, anxiety, depression and stress.

Now, if you are at the front line- for example, your house has been flooded due to climate change/ your family live in or needed to escape an unsafe country/ you are being victimised for being LGBTQ/ BIPOC- (all situations my clients have had to experience) then some of this is unescapable. And I’m not for one second saying turn your back to the world and live in cloud cuckoo land, and pretend that none of it is happening.

We owe it to the world to compassionately witness the truth, and to try, however we can, to make the world a better place- but we also owe it to the world, and to OURSELVES, the capacity to do so, without overwhelm. It doesn’t help the victims of gun violence to cry ourselves to sleep at night. It doesn’t help save endangered species if our blood pressure is sky high. We can’t be good activists/ truth tellers/ change makers if we are exhausted, burnt out and stressed to the max. It just makes us more ill, and doesn’t add any net positive to the world at all.

So what is the middle path? How to navigate the world without turning a blind eye, whilst at the same time caring for ourselves? This path requires strong boundaries, proactive effort to practice self care, and the capacity to tolerate discomfort without it swamping us.

Its easy to be distraught, on edge, pessimistic and run down. Its harder to be buoyant, optimistic, and energetic. But the world doesn’t need more upset and hopeless people. The world needs YOU to be happy and positive, even in the face of great adversity- whether personal or collective.

How do we do that? I can only speak from my personal experience, but here are some things I actively do, to ensure that I have the bandwidth to be a responsible human without burning out-

I prioritise my self care. Louder for those at the back- self care is not selfish. In fact, its selfish to NOT care for yourself. If you don’t care for yourself, either you have unmet needs (which helps no one, least of all yourself) or someone else has to meet those needs for you. Putting yourself first gives you CAPACITY.

Greater capacity- more energy- more attention- better ability to be there for others.

Self care for me is going to bed at the same time each night, eating foods that love me back, getting exercise first thing in the morning, being conscious of what I consume- no violent movies or 24/ 7 news exposure, and spending as much time as possible in nature.

Do you need to do any of these things more? What do you need to do less of? What would be the first step towards making this a habit, if so?

Self care for me is also letting myself feel my feelings, and let them run through me, without suppressing them. This involves regularly turning inward and acknowledging how I feel, not numbing myself or pushing uncomfortable feelings away, not shaming myself for being upset, but instead being compassionate towards my own pain, crying if I need to, and journaling or talking about it afterwards.

Are you suppressing any feelings? Do you have a ‘positive vibes only’ mentality or are you able to make room for the tough feelings too? Are you overwhelmed by your feelings, or able to process them in a way that increases your bandwidth?

I remind myself of at least 3 things I’m grateful for, every day. I do this before I get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes they are big things, sometimes small. This is a form of brain retraining, that counteracts our inherent negativity bias.

What are you grateful for? Can you commit to counting your blessings every day?

I ask for help- I have regular therapy, supervision, I talk to my husband, family and friends, and I’m in several online support and advocacy groups.

Who have you got in your corner? How are you lacking support? Who might you turn to, to feel more supported?

I seek out uplifting, funny, supportive content. For me thats silly memes, dog rescue videos, afrobeat music, travel and adventure documentaries and colourful art.

For you, this may be different. What lights you up? What makes you feel expansive, uplifted, grateful, full of wonder?

I try to sing and dance and laugh every day. Indigenous shamanic therapy consisted of asking these 3 questions- "When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories?” Doing these things is an ancient and hard wired way to light up our soul.

When was the last time you sang, danced, and listened to stories? Could you start doing a little more of these things, more regularly?

I stay informed intentionally- I engage with news sources I trust, don’t mindlessly have the orange clown’s voice on in the background, and try not to wade into pointless arguments on social media. (Hands up- sometimes I fail.) Nobody changed anyone’s mind by fighting on Facebook, did they? I also limit my exposure to global news. I want to know whats happening, and to be awake and aware. I don’t want to make myself sick and tired whilst I do.

What’s one way you can engage with the wider world, without it frying your nervous system and pushing you into panic mode?

I am aware of my values, and the priorities that my values contribute to. If something isn’t in line with my priorities, or my values, I don’t do it. An example of this for me is not getting involved in other people’s disagreements, not entertaining unhelpful thoughts, and not putting energy and time into anything that doesn’t deserve it. This enables me to live with integrity and feel that I’m on the right path.

Are you aware of your own priorities and values? Where might you be leaking time and energy?

The world needs your precious care- but it also needs you to show up resourced and rested. By focusing some time on what lights you up, gives you energy, and helps you feel positive, you are better able to contribute in a way that doesn’t deplete you in the process.