Why empathy is overrated

And what you need instead

We all know that empathy is the gold standard of being a good person, right? The ability to step into another’s shoes, and feel their pain. But what if empathy isn’t all its cracked up to be? What if it isn’t actually helping as much as you think- least of all, you?

This might sound insensitive, almost heretical coming from a therapist. But please hear me out!

The definition of empathy is ‘The ability to understand and share the feelings of another’ . It literally means feeling someone else’s experience. If you are empathic, your brain doesn’t just imagine the difficult breakup that your friend told you about, or the painful neglect you read about online, or the horrors on the news you watched last night- your brain experiences and feels it.

Neuroscience backs this up: studies by Tania Singer (neuroscientist, psychologist and expert on empathy and compassion) and colleagues found that empathic distress activates the pain circuits of the brain — the same areas that light up when you experience suffering yourself.

In other words, your system starts to carry their pain.

It’s contagious. It floods your nervous system. You start to feel depleted, heavy, tired or irritable. And because you’re empathic, you probably also feel guilty for needing space. This can be a one way ticket to burnout- not good.

Sound familiar?

In short, empathy is draining. Its like giving your umbrella away in a thunderstorm.

Ok so empathy isn’t always the solution. So now what?

I’m not for a moment suggesting we all go about our lives without a care for others- quite the opposite!

Because this is where compassion comes in.

Compassion is sharing your umbrella. Extending its benefit, but still keeping yourself dry.

Where empathy absorbs the suffering of others, compassion witnesses it, and responds wisely and with kindness.

Neuroscientifically, compassion lights up different areas of the brain — those linked with love, reward, and affiliation (the medial orbitofrontal cortex and striatum). When we practice compassion, our body releases oxytocin, our heart rate stabilises, and we can stay grounded while helping others. We can be an ally, without losing ourselves to the suffering of those around us.

It’s an energy of reliability rather than rescue. And that makes it sustainable.

I truly believe that if Carl Rogers has formulated his 3 core counselling conditions today, instead of in the late 50’s, they would be Compassion, Congruence, and Unconditional Positive Regard. The research and understanding of the science behind different caring states has come a long way in the last 60 years.

Empathy, especially when you haven’t yet established strong boundaries, or are especially sensitive, is hard work. Ask me how I know! I used to lie awake at night, worrying about the stray dogs. Not any particular dog- just all the stray dogs, all over the world! Did my lack of sleep and nervous system dysregulation help one single one of those stray dogs? Nope!

But now I can actively cultivate and practice compassion for stray dogs, I care just as much about dogs- but I don’t leak my emotional energy away for no good reason. And I’m sleeping better.

The biggest difference

But the part thats most overlooked about the difference between empathy and compassion?

Who you attract.

Empathy- especially without boundaries- tends to attract takers. People who have no problem in spilling their troubles onto you, and expecting you to do the emotional heavy lifting. At the extreme end, this includes energy vampires- those with narcissistic traits, who don’t have the emotional intelligence or desire to own and carry their own pain, or respect other’s boundaries and limits. They prey on people who say yes when they mean no. This one way street can ruin people’s lives! Compassion gives you the ability to say no, in a kind and caring way.

Empathy says, “I’ll carry it for you.”
Compassion says, “I’ll walk beside you while you carry it yourself.”

When your nervous system stops merging with other people’s distress, you stop magnetising situations and people where you’re needed to fix or rescue.
You move from overextending to empowered giving.

And paradoxically, your relationships, and your work, can then become deeper and more authentic.

It doesn’t have to hurt.

Most empaths are brilliant at feeling other people’s pain. But when it comes to their own, they tighten, criticise, shame themselves for having needs, or push through it.

That’s why self-compassion is where the real magic happens.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Paul Gilbert, (both leading compassion researchers) self-compassion literally breaks the brain’s negativity bias — that default wiring that constantly scans for what’s wrong, unsafe, or not good enough.

When you practice self-compassion, you re-train your nervous system to notice safety, kindness, and goodness again.
Your body can feeel safe enough to truly relax. Your threat response quietens. This dials down your pain perception, depressive tendencies, anxiety and stress levels. Your energy becomes available for healing, creativity, and connection.

The more compassion you cultivate- for yourself and others- the more capacity you have to genuinely help. Not from obligation or guilt, or by leaking your limited energy. But from your ability to be present, and with an overflowing cup.

Empathy is draining. Compassion is sustaining.

The energy of empathy is feeling someone’s pain and then growing smaller, with less capacity. The energy of compassion witnesses pain and helps both people grow.

I used to believe that empathy was one of my best traits- until I realised it was also one of my biggest energy leaks. Now I practice compassion- towards myself, my clients, my loved ones and the wider world. Its infinitely more sustainable, and feels lighter and cleaner. It allows me to stay regulated, and flexible, and to put down my concerns at the end of each day, and rest- and being rested and regulated gives me better access to my internal resources, to share with those around me.

I no longer need to lose myself in the process of being a caring human. And nor do you.

When your care is rooted in compassion instead of empathy, you don’t drown in other people’s suffering, you become the calm shore they can finally rest on.

If you need some support to transition from empathy to compassion, I’d be happy to walk alongside you on your journey. It could be the difference between fatigue and burnout, and capacity and energy. Why not reach out to find out more?