Why ‘thinking positive’ may not be so helpful
We’ve all heard the advice: “Just think positive!”
It’s plastered all over social media, sold in self-help books, and well-meaning friends love to dish it out when you’re struggling. Maybe you have tried to ‘think positive’ when feeling stressed, anxious or in pain. And its true that for everyday stress, shifting your mindset can help. But when you’ve experienced trauma, when your nervous system is stuck in survival mode, “thinking positive” doesn’t just not work—it can actually make things worse.
Why? Because trauma lives in the body, not the mind
If you’ve experienced trauma—whether it’s childhood wounds, ongoing stress, or a single overwhelming event—you’re not just dealing with difficult memories. Trauma changes your brain and body. It rewires your nervous system to stay on high alert, keeping you stuck in survival states like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
And when your nervous system is dysregulated, simply “thinking positive” won’t flip the switch back to calm and safety. Here’s why:
Your limbic brain hijacks your prefrontal cortex
Your brain is wired for survival. The limbic system, which includes the amygdala (your fear centre), the hippocampus (your memory processor), and the hypothalamus (your stress-response manager), is in charge of detecting danger and keeping you alive.
When it senses a threat—real or perceived—it hijacks the rational part of your brain, the prefrontal cortex. That’s why, in moments of stress, it can feel impossible to “just think rationally” or “choose happy thoughts.” Your brain is prioritising survival, not logic.
And here’s the thing: Trauma can cause your limbic system to become overactive, meaning it’s more likely to sound the alarm, even when you’re actually safe. That’s why you might feel anxious in situations that don’t seem logically threatening, or why you can’t “just move on” from the past. Your body and brain are still stuck in a loop of protection.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn: How trauma shapes your reactions
If you’re stuck in a trauma response, your nervous system is running the show. And no amount of positive thinking will override it until you address what’s happening in your body. Here’s how these responses show up:
Fight: You feel irritable, angry, or on edge. You might lash out, get defensive, or feel like you have to control everything.
Flight: You feel anxious, restless, and overwhelmed. You stay busy to avoid feeling your emotions, or you always feel the need to escape.
Freeze: You feel numb, disconnected, or shut down. You might struggle to make decisions, feel stuck, or find it hard to take action.
Fawn: You people-please, avoid conflict, and struggle with boundaries. You prioritise others’ needs over your own, often at your own expense.
These responses aren’t conscious choices—they’re automatic survival strategies your nervous system has learned to keep you safe.
Why “positive thinking” can backfire
When someone tells you to “just think positive” while you’re stuck in survival mode, it can actually make you feel worse. Here’s why:
1. It creates more shame
If you try to force yourself to think positive but your body is still stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, you might end up feeling like there’s something wrong with you. “Why can’t I just be grateful? Why do I still feel anxious/depressed/stuck?”
The truth is, your nervous system isn’t broken—it’s doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe. But forcing positivity can make you feel like a failure when you don’t “snap out of it.”
2. It ignores the body’s role in healing
Trauma isn’t just a collection of bad thoughts—it’s stored in your body. If your nervous system is dysregulated, simply changing your thoughts won’t be enough. You need to work with your body to create a felt sense of safety first.
3. It can trigger a trauma response
If your body is still holding onto past fear, forcing yourself to “just think happy” can feel like gaslighting yourself. It’s like putting a fresh coat of paint over a cracked foundation—it doesn’t fix the underlying issue, and eventually, the cracks will show through.
So, what actually works?
Instead of trying to force positive thinking, focus on regulating your nervous system and creating real, embodied safety. Here’s what you can do instead:
1. Validate your feelings
Instead of pushing away your emotions with positivity, acknowledge them. Try saying:
“I will give myself understanding and compassion”
“My nervous system is responding to past experiences.”
“I don’t have to rush my healing.”
Self-compassion is key here. Your responses are not flaws—they’re adaptations to what you’ve been through.
2. Engage in body-based practices
Since trauma lives in the body, healing has to involve the body too. Try:
TRE (Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises): Helps release stored stress and tension.
Breathwork: Slow, deep breathing signals safety to your nervous system.
Grounding exercises: Bring yourself back to the present moment using present moment sensory awareness.
Yoga or movement: Helps reconnect you to your body and process stored emotions.
3. Focus on safety, not positivity
Before your brain can access logical thinking or positive perspectives, your body needs to feel safe. Ask yourself:
“What would make me feel just a little safer right now?”
“How can I bring comfort to my body?”
It might be wrapping yourself in a blanket, sitting in a quiet room, or pressing your feet into the floor. Small moments of safety add up over time.
4. Work with your nervous system, not against it
Understanding Polyvagal Theory can help here. Your vagus nerve plays a huge role in regulating your nervous system, shifting you from survival mode into a state of calm and connection. Practices like:
Humming or singing
Gentle rocking or swaying
Cold water on your face
These simple actions can stimulate the vagus nerve and help bring your system back to a regulated state.
5. Seek trauma informed support
Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Finding a therapist, coach, or guide who understands nervous system regulation can make all the difference. Cognitive Hypnotherapy, TRE, and other somatic approaches can help you move out of survival mode and into a state where positive thinking actually becomes possible—because your body feels safe enough to believe it.
Working in a way that supports your nervous system
If you’ve ever felt like “thinking positive” just isn’t working for you, you’re not alone. Trauma isn’t something you can think your way out of. But by working with your nervous system, building a sense of safety in your body, and finding tools that actually support your healing, you can move toward genuine peace and resilience—without forcing fake positivity along the way.
If you’re ready to explore how to heal in a way that actually works for your nervous system, why not book a free call? We can chat about where you are and what support might be helpful for you. Because real healing isn’t about pretending to be happy—it’s about feeling truly safe, connected, and at home in yourself.
Anxious? Here’s how to find peace in the present moment
Anxiety has a way of pulling us out of the present moment. It drags us into the past, replaying old mistakes, or flings us into the future, imagining worst-case scenarios that may never happen. When anxiety takes hold, it can feel like we have no control over our thoughts, like we are trapped in a loop of worry and fear.
But what if I told you that the key to breaking free from anxiety isn’t found in fighting your thoughts or trying to control them? What if, instead, the answer lies in the here and now – in the present moment?
Many of my clients come to me feeling overwhelmed by their thoughts. They tell me, “I just want my mind to stop racing,” or “I can’t switch off.” This is a normal human response to having a normal human brain!But that constant inner chatter can be exhausting. So instead of trying to silence it – which usually doesn’t work – we can learn to shift our focus to something else: the present moment.
Why the Present Moment Matters
Anxiety thrives on uncertainty. It feeds on the “what ifs” and the “should haves.” But the present moment is a safe space. Right now, in this moment, you are here, breathing, reading these words. In this moment, you are okay.
When we bring our attention to the present, we interrupt anxiety’s power over us. We give ourselves a break from the mental noise and come back to something real- right now. The Buddhists have known this for forever! The more we practice connecting to the present, the more we train our brains to find safety in the now rather than fear in the unknown.
How to Use the Present Moment to Release Anxiety
There are many ways to anchor yourself in the present. Here are some simple but powerful techniques that I teach my clients:
1. The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
This is a great exercise when your mind is spiraling out of control. It gently brings your focus back to the here and now by engaging your senses.
5 things you can see – Look around and name five objects in your surroundings.
4 things you can touch – Notice the texture of your clothing, the chair you’re sitting on, or the sensation of your feet on the ground.
3 things you can hear – Listen to the sounds around you, whether it’s birds chirping, a ticking clock, or distant traffic.
2 things you can smell – Take a deep breath and notice any scents, even if it’s just the air.
1 thing you can taste – If you have a drink or a snack nearby, take a mindful sip or bite.
This technique works because it shifts your focus away from your anxious thoughts and into the reality of the moment.
2. Breathing into the Now
Your breath is always happening in the present. It’s a built-in anchor to the here and now. When anxiety takes over, our breath becomes shallow and fast. But by slowing it down, we send signals of safety to our nervous system.
Try this simple exercise:
Inhale through your nose for a count of four.
Hold for a count of four.
Exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of six.
Hold for a count of four.
Repeat for a few minutes, focusing on the sensation of your breath moving in and out.
I often guide my clients through breathing exercises like this in our sessions, because they are such a powerful tool for calming the mind and body.
3. Name Your Thoughts, Don’t Become Them
A lot of anxiety comes from identifying too much with our thoughts. But here’s the truth: You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts.
Next time anxiety creeps in, try labelling your thoughts instead of getting caught up in them. Say to yourself:
“Oh, there’s a worry thought.”
“That’s an anxious prediction, not a fact.”
“My mind is trying to protect me, but I don’t need this thought right now.”
By naming your thoughts instead of becoming them, you create a little bit of distance – and in that space, anxiety loses some of its grip.
4. Find Safety in Your Body
When anxiety is high, we often feel disconnected from our bodies. That’s why part of my work involves helping clients reconnect with themselves through TRE (Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises), breathwork, and mindful movement.
A quick way to find safety in your body is to place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly. Take a slow breath in and out, feeling the warmth of your hands. This simple act sends a message to your nervous system that you are safe.
Other ways of safely connecting with your body include dancing, singing, intentional shaking, tapping and Havening.
5. Practice Mindful Moments Throughout the Day
You don’t have to sit in meditation for hours to benefit from mindfulness. You can bring present-moment awareness into your everyday life:
When drinking your morning coffee, really taste it.
When walking, notice the sensation of your feet on the ground.
When washing your hands, feel the temperature of the water and the texture of the soap.
The more you practice presence in small ways, the easier it becomes to stay anchored when anxiety tries to pull you away.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
I know that when you’re stuck in the grip of anxiety, hearing “just be present” can feel frustrating. That’s why I guide my clients step by step, helping them build the skills they need to feel safer in their bodies and minds.
Choosing to seek help can feel like a huge step, but you don’t have to navigate this alone. If you’d like to explore how Cognitive Hypnotherapy, breathwork, Trauma Release Exercises or other forms of nervous system regulation can support you, why not reach out and book a free call? We can chat about what you’re going through and see if working together feels right for you.
I’ve also just released a supportive recording in my online shop called ‘Using the present moment to let go of anxiety’.
And I’m launching a member’s area soon, which includes access to a dozen exclusive recordings, a once a week online group session, the option to choose what topics I address each week, and peer support in a supportive community- all for only £20 a month.
Anxiety doesn’t have to control your life. You deserve to feel calm, present, and safe – and I’m here to help you get there.
What’s the big deal about self care, anyway?
Everyone knows that self care is important, right? In certain wellness circles, it seems to be talked about as the answer to all life’s woes. But maybe it feels like you don’t have the incentive, the time or the money to invest more in yourself, or you don’t know where to start, or why, or maybe you have a deeper limiting belief such as ‘I don’t deserve it’ or ‘its selfish to focus on myself’
So I’d like to offer perhaps a differing perspective on self care, why its such a big deal, and how you can introduce more of it into your daily life- and it all comes down to your Nervous System.
Our Central Nervous System (CNS) is comprised of our brain stem and our spinal cord, and its constantly hard at work to keep you safe, under the level of conscious awareness. Without realising it, or even having to think about it, all day every day, your CNS is always making the assessment- “am I safe? Am I in danger?” This spidey sense is called Neuroception and is very helpful when its correctly calibrated (having a ‘gut feeling’ about something is an example of this)
But sometimes it can get stuck in a hyper alert, hyper sensitive setting- and then it starts doing its job too well. This is due to your vagus nerve being out of whack. (Technically, its a result of having low vagal tone) When this happens, it can perceive danger where there is none- which can lead to things like IBS, (as your vagus nerve is also responsible for digestion), feeling on edge, jumpy, unable to sleep, in pain, symptomatic, overthinking, hypervigilance, feeling tired but wired- and then we can get stuck like this- sometimes for years.
This is a perfectly understandable response to a CNS that has been overtaxed- perhaps through high stress levels, chronic illness, grief, trauma, or otherwise difficult life experiences and circumstances. And after a while, you may come to identify with this overprotective setting, and include it as part of your personality- “ I’m just an anxious person” ‘or “thats just how life is” could be a story that you tell yourself.
But that doesn’t mean you are stuck like this! Because our brains and bodies have the ability to change at any time, when we soothe our CNS, this hypersensitivity can be dialled down, and can stay down.
Think about it like this- if you have a dog, and the dog feels that its job is to protect you, then without the right input, (training, and soothing, to feel safe and calm) your guard dog will become overprotective, and this could lead to big trouble. What happens to the postman when he tries to post your letters? Your guard dog bites them on the hand. It was just trying to help, but has made things worse.
Your CNS is your internal guard dog. Without the right sort of messaging, it can make your life worse by being constantly triggered by things that it shouldn’t need to react to.
This is where self care comes in.
When we proactively meet our own needs, it soothes our internal guard dog, and helps us feel safe. This internal sense of safety dials down our reaction to perceived threat, and helps us clearly assess our internal and external environments.
Certain part of your brain that are responsible for translating that internal alarm into cues to feel pain, also overlap with parts of your brain that are responsible for intuiting unmet needs (hunger, thirst, tiredness, the need to pee, the need to move/ socialise/ have a hug/ be alone) so when you don’t meet these needs, those parts of your brain are activated in a way that makes your perception of pain and symptoms worse.
The answer to this is to meet your own needs, which creates an internal sense of safety, soothes your guard dog, resets your threat response, and dials down pain/ symptoms.
So first of all, try asking yourself- am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Do I need a nap? Do I need a hug? Or time to be alone? And then meeting those essential needs, every day, is the first important step. And it may sound obvious, but its very easy to be too busy and outwardly focused then overlook those basic cues- and wind up feeling worse for it.
The second step to calm your alarm system is to gift yourself soothing experiences to add into your sense of wellbeing and safety. These don’t need to cost any money, or take up much time- even 5 minutes a day can make a difference.
Here are 8 ideas for free 5 minute microbreaks that you can include into your day-
1- BREATH AWARENESS AND SLOW BREATHING
Noticing how you breathe, and then choosing to slow your breath down to a pace that you find comfortable, and maintain that slow, steady and comfortable pace for 5- 10 minutes is one of the best ways you can soothe your internal alarm. Your CNS places the highest importance on the state of your breath, as its such an important function.
Yet it can go completely overlooked, and end up fueling anxiety, fear, panic, alarm- all of which gets translated into pain by your brain. Box breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4) or Coherent breathing (In for 4, out for 6) are 2 simple ways you can use your breath to bring you into a calm and safe nervous system state.
2- SHAKING, BOUNCING, PATTING AND STROKING
Patting your body from head to toe, gentle strokes (can be done over clothes), bouncing on your heels, and shaking your body are all ways to encourage interception (internal awareness) and to move out of a stressed physical state into a place of calm and relaxation. We hold stress in our bodies as well as our minds, and these simple practices all help to complete the stress cycle, discharge stress hormones, and convey care and attention to your body.
3- DANCING AND SINGING
For all the reasons as above, except to your favourite tune. Moving your body in a way that feels good and enjoyable conveys safety and helps to release stored tension. Singing directly tones your vagus nerve, helping it- and therefore you- come back to balance.
4- REACHING OUT
Lets face it- staying in contact with our friends and loved ones is hard isn't it? You blink, and 6 months has gone by. Why not send a text to someone you haven’t connected with for a while? Feeling close to people is one of the best and easiest ways to feel safe, but it doesn’t have to be only the deepest and closest friendships that you cultivate- although obviously they are important.
Studies show that even just interacting with people in shops fosters a sense of belonging and connection. So touching base with, and sending a quick hello to someone you have been meaning to message, and keeping your friendships going- even if its just on the phone or via text-is an easy way to feel secure, connected and loved.
5- NOTICING AND CATCHING FEAR BASED THOUGHTS
Once you step back and observe your thoughts, you will realise how many of them are repetitive, fear based, and possibly not even based on facts. Being able to catch yourself when you are prone to catastrophisation, rumination or faulty thinking (such as black and white thinking or overgeneralisation) gives you the chance to take a step back in your mind, not buy into the thought, and observe your mind.
Because you are not your thoughts- you are the thinker of your thoughts. This gives you the space to create new, up to date, accurate and helpful thoughts instead.
6- LONG DISTANCE GAZING
There is a reason people throughout history have tended to live on the top of hills- because when you can see far into the distanced, you activate your peripheral vision in a way that can detect threat, and in the absence of threat, your brain finds it easier to stay calm.
So simply by gazing into the distance, you can tap into this ability to feel safe. You could also combine this with breath awareness, noticing and catching your thoughts, or shaking and bouncing for extra self soothing effects.
7- JOURNALLING
Dumping out your thoughts onto paper helps them stop circulating round your head- it also helps you to organise your thinking, reflect on any patterns and progress, and become more self aware. Journalling regularly is a fantastic way of calming and clearing the mind. If you aren’t sure where to start, writing down your worries, how you feel in your body, your hopes, dreams and plans, and what you are grateful for is a great place to start.
8- MAKING A GRATITUDE LIST
Its soooo easy to focus on whats negative in our lives! And this isn’t a personal flaw- in fact, its an inbuilt survival mechanism which has evolved alongside humans to keep us safe. After all, it wasn’t the early humans who were sitting around the fire without a care in the world who didn’t get eaten by predators or attacked by another tribe- it was the humans scanning for danger on the horizon, alert to possible threat.
We evolved from those survivors, and we inherited their tendencies. But this mechanism now works against us, and the threat is that argument on Facebook, job instability, turning on the news, or even our own thoughts- but our bodies react in the same predicable way- stress hormones, tightness and tension, fast and shallow breathing. The way out of this is by noticing and focusing on the things around you that make you feel safe, happy, fulfilled. These are your Glimmers. They are the opposite of Triggers.
Writing them down is the best way of starting to habitually pay attention to the good in your life. This exercise rewires your brain away from the negativity bias and towards joy and all the benefits that it brings. It could be as simple and small as a flower in your garden, a cup of tea or coffee, a feeling of comfort somewhere in your body. Start with 3 things. But once you start noticing, you won’t stop- because in spite of the stress and anxiety of day to day life, once you start paying attention to the little things that bring you joy, you won’t be able to stop at just 3.
When we create time to invest in these simple, easy, free and effective practices regularly, we are giving ourselves support that pays off big time for our nervous systems.
So why not start incorporating them into your day to day life?
Why practice TRE?
TRE (Tension and Trauma Release Exercises) is a practice designed to reset your nervous system through the activation of neurogenic tremors. ‘Neurogenic’ means arising from the nervous system. They are completely different from pathological tremors, as seen in Parkinson’s, dystonia etc.
These tremors, when experienced in an environment of safety, reset your stress cycle and provide a corrective experience to your nervous system, allowing a sense of balance and ease. Being able to come back to rest, digest, growth and repair more easily each time you practice.
TRE is taught as a self- help tool- meaning once you have had tuition by a qualified and experienced teacher such as myself, you can safely and effectively practice by yourself. This means it’s a very sustainable skill to acquire. Regularly practiced, you can use TRE for anxiety, pain, trauma and stress relief. It will release tight muscles, especially parasitic tension caused by stress and trauma..
The practice is divided into 3 parts- the first part is the 7 simple warm up exercises that create the conditions for the tremors, the second part is the tremors themselves, and the third part is the integration period afterwards. The tremors aren’t under voluntary control- they do come from your brain, but not the neocortex- they come from the brain stem, the same part of your brain responsible for other involuntary actions such as your heart beating and your digestion.
You can however control when you start and stop them, and you can choose to stop at any time.
Practicing TRE regularly will dial down any overactivation in your nervous system, meaning you can come back to the healing state of parasympathetic dominance. This state is where the magic happens. Because your nervous system is a bit like a see-saw- you can only have one side active at a time. Spending too much time in fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn is damaging and promotes disease.
Fight/ flight is really useful in the face of an acute stressor- nobody wants to be calm and relaxed when running away from a tiger. When activated this way, our muscles tighten, our digestion turns off, and we become hypersensitive to threat- all useful if in actual danger. But nowadays, there are no tigers chasing us- instead, we deal with chronic, daily stressors such as deadlines, money worries, the news, social media, and demands of work- but our bodies react in the same way.
This, especially when combined with trauma stored in our bodies from difficult childhood experiences, causes our stress activation to remain stuck on ‘on’. Which means it’s harder to sleep, digest food, feel relaxed, or recover from illness. Being in low grade fight/ flight can cause shallow breathing, anxiety, restlessness and hypervigilance, and can exacerbate autoimmune disease , as there is a close link between the immune system and the nervous system.
The thing is- the aim isn’t to be calm and relaxed all the time. The aim is to keep that see-saw well oiled and fine tuned, meaning we respond in an appropriate way and can easily switch sides as needed. So regularly doing TRE for anxiety, stress, tension and trauma is a brilliant way of healing the body and bringing the whole self back to a state of natural balance.
If can also have some unexpected and welcome effects too- below is a recent update from a former client-
‘I thought you might appreciate an update on my TRE practice at home, for your own interest or in case it's of use to anyone else. I have been continuing to do the practices twice a week where I can - a minimum is once a week.
When I came to you this time last year, I was also experiencing menstrual issues, possibly associated with perimenopause, and probably also associated with my severe fibroids. I was having quite heavy mid-cycle bleeding, my periods were extremely heavy and painful and I was having hot flushes and night sweats.
I wanted to report that it is the TRE that has made the biggest difference and shows that clearly the trauma held in my body has most certainly affected my hormonal balance. By the start of the summer, all of the above symptoms had stopped. All of them. No more mid-cycle bleeding at all - not even light spotting. Hot flushes and night sweats stopped. Completely. By the end of the year, all cramping had stopped. This year, my periods are lighter.
During the summer, when I eased off the frequency of the TRE practices, the spotting and hot flushes returned for a couple of months - this was motivation enough to get right back into the TRE twice weekly again, and it has all stopped again.
I have been amazed by the effect - and very grateful! And very fascinated by it all. It wasn't a consequence I expected or even hoped for - I had no expectations really; I just appreciated the theory behind it and wanted to see how it would work for me. Just thought you might be interested to hear a follow up on the effects of the practice.’
How interesting is that? I hadn’t anticipated TRE being able to eradicate menopausal symptoms! Who knows what other benefits await? In just 2 lessons yu could have this self help tool at your fingertips. And the other good news is, learning TRE online is just as good as learning it in person- if you are interested to try this innovative practice, why not get in touch?
Relationships- Attachment Styles, the Therapeutic Paradox, and Repetition Compulsion.
Have you ever had a friend that you’ve spent years consoling over various failed relationships, each time watching them choose people who hurt, belittle, confuse or abuse them?
Or perhaps you have been in a similar situation yourself. And maybe you have asked yourself why? Why would they do that? Why do I do that?
This seemingly illogical behaviour isn’t done on purpose, and instead of heaping judgement on it, (and them, and ourselves) if we understand the root cause, we can start to change those habits and patterns that keep us from finding happiness in ourselves- and if we choose to be partnered, to find someone who is going to love and cherish us and help us feel safe.
Continually seeking people out who are emotionally unavailable/ untrustworthy/ unsafe is one of these self defeating behaviours, and is usually caused by the subconscious drive to repeat the unresolved issues of the past (the relationship we had with our parents) in order to prove to ourselves that we can ‘fix’ people who remind us on some level of our early caregivers- this is known as Repetition Compulsion.
An example of this would be the woman who constantly seeks out unavailable, flaky men who are cheating on their partners, because this is how she witnessed her dad behaving towards her mum.
The Therapeutic Paradox is a phenomenon where due to negative behaviour driven by faulty beliefs, we inadvertently create the very situation we were trying to avoid.
In relationships this can look like- someone so jealous or clingy that they drive away the person they love with their constant acting out/ questioning/ demands/ suspicion… their insecurity forcing the loved one to leave, unable to cope with the excessive demands and accusations.
Or it could manifest as someone who is so terrified of being hurt that they always push their loved one away first, keeping people at arms length and ultimately ending up alone.
The first is indicative of an Anxious attachment style, the second an example of an Avoidant attachment style.
Both these Attachment styles can be confusing for everyone involved, and they often attract each other- the Anxious person naturally gravitating towards the Avoidant and vice versa. This push pull dynamic is ultimately unhealthy no matter how seemingly well suited each partner is- because each partner will continuously activate the other’s core wounds.
The reason people wind up in these unsatisfactory relationships is due to their family of origin. Classic studies done in the 70’s by John Bowlby showed that the relationship dynamics your parents bought you up in have long lasting implications for your later, adult romantic relationships. If you had a mother who was less than attentive and attuned, who didn’t meet your needs and was self absorbed, your relationship with adult partners later in life will reflect this.
If you think back to your childhood, can you remember being hugged, held, and told you were loved? Were you appreciated for just being yourself?
If so, congratulations- you are one of the lucky 50% of the population who have been bought up as Securely attached.
Did you only get praise when you got top marks at school/ won the race? Did you have to work to earn affection? Did you feel there wasn’t enough attention to go round?
Or could you do nothing right in the eyes of your parents? Were you ever hit, shouted at for minor mistakes, ignored, left to fend for yourself?
If the answer is yes to anything in the last 2 paragraphs, these parenting fails have probably left an imprint on the way you relate to yourself and others- leading to an Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganised attachment (Disorganised attachment is a combination of Anxious and Avoidant and is caused by unsafe, violent and abusive parenting. This can make navigating adult relationships even more challenging than either Anxious or Avoidant) These trickier attachment styles make up 50% of the population combined.
But, hope is not lost- it’s entirely possible to change the Attachment style you were bought up with. If the people around you, especially your partner, have a Secure attachment style, you can become what’s known as ‘earned Secure’ - their way or relating and sense of safety and trust in others can be passed on to you.
Or with the help of a trusted therapist, as you learn about your patterns, triggers, limiting beliefs and unconscious drives, you can step away from these harmful behaviours and towards more healthy and realistic beliefs and behaviours.
Ultimately we all deserve to feel happy and secure, in ourselves and in our relationships. Undoing the damage a less than great childhood has had on someone isn’t easy, but it is possible. Understanding why you behave the way you do is the first step. And the work is so worth doing.
Growing free of self defeating thoughts and drives leaves space to develop safe, nurturing and trusting relationships- with yourself, and with those around you. If you’d like support to navigate your relational style, Cognitive Hypnotherapy can help you yo understand yourself- ultimately leading to feeling safer in the world.