Relationships- Attachment Styles, the Therapeutic Paradox, and Repetition Compulsion.

Have you ever had a friend that you’ve spent years consoling over various failed relationships, each time watching them choose people who hurt, belittle, confuse or abuse them? 

Or perhaps you have been in a similar situation yourself. And maybe you have asked yourself why? Why would they do that? Why do I do that?

This seemingly illogical behaviour isn’t done on purpose, and instead of heaping judgement on it, (and them, and ourselves) if we understand the root cause, we can start to change those habits and patterns that keep us from finding happiness in ourselves-  and if we choose to be partnered, to find someone who is going to love and cherish us and help us feel safe.

Continually seeking people out who are emotionally unavailable/ untrustworthy/ unsafe is one of these self defeating behaviours, and is usually caused by the subconscious drive to repeat the unresolved issues of the past (the relationship we had with our parents) in order to prove to ourselves that we can ‘fix’ people who remind us on some level of our early caregivers- this is known as Repetition Compulsion. 

An example of this would be the woman who constantly seeks out unavailable, flaky men who are cheating on their partners, because this is how she witnessed her dad behaving towards her mum.

The Therapeutic Paradox is a phenomenon where due to negative behaviour driven by faulty beliefs, we inadvertently create the very situation we were trying to avoid. 

In relationships this can look like- someone so jealous or clingy that they drive away the person they love with their constant acting out/ questioning/ demands/ suspicion… their insecurity forcing the loved one to leave, unable to cope with the excessive demands and accusations.

Or it could manifest as someone who is so terrified of being hurt that they always push their loved one away first, keeping people at arms length and ultimately ending up alone.

The first is indicative of an Anxious attachment style, the second an example of an Avoidant attachment style. 

Both these Attachment styles can be confusing for everyone involved, and they often attract each other- the Anxious person naturally gravitating towards the Avoidant and vice versa. This push pull dynamic is ultimately unhealthy no matter how seemingly well suited each partner is- because each partner will continuously activate the other’s core wounds.

The reason people wind up in these unsatisfactory relationships is due to their family of origin. Classic studies done in the 70’s by John Bowlby showed that the relationship dynamics your parents bought you up in have long lasting implications for your later, adult romantic relationships. If you had a mother who was less than attentive and attuned, who didn’t meet your needs and was self absorbed, your relationship with adult partners later in life will reflect this. 

If you think back to your childhood, can you remember being hugged, held, and told you were loved? Were you appreciated for just being yourself? 

If so, congratulations- you are one of the lucky 50% of the population who have been bought up as Securely attached. 

Did you only get praise when you got top marks at school/ won the race? Did you have to work to earn affection? Did you feel there wasn’t enough attention to go round?

Or could you do nothing right in the eyes of your parents? Were you ever hit, shouted at for minor mistakes, ignored, left to fend for yourself?

If the answer is yes to anything in the last 2 paragraphs, these parenting fails have probably left an imprint on the way you relate to yourself and others- leading to an Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganised attachment (Disorganised attachment is a combination of Anxious and Avoidant and is caused by unsafe, violent and abusive parenting. This can make navigating adult relationships even more challenging than either Anxious or Avoidant) These trickier attachment styles make up 50% of the population combined.

But, hope is not lost- it’s entirely possible to change the Attachment style you were bought up with. If the people around you, especially your partner, have a Secure attachment style, you can become what’s known as ‘earned Secure’ - their way or relating and sense of safety and trust in others can be passed on to you.

Or with the help of a trusted therapist, as you learn about your patterns, triggers, limiting beliefs and unconscious drives, you can step away from these harmful behaviours and towards more healthy and realistic beliefs and behaviours.

Ultimately we all deserve to feel happy and secure, in ourselves and in our relationships. Undoing the damage a less than great childhood has had on someone isn’t easy, but it is possible. Understanding  why you behave the way you do is the first step. And the work is so worth doing. 

Growing free of self defeating thoughts and drives leaves space to develop safe, nurturing and trusting relationships- with yourself, and with those around you. If you’d like support to navigate your relational style, Cognitive Hypnotherapy can help you yo understand yourself- ultimately leading to feeling safer in the world.