Why can’t I just cheer up, move on, and be grateful?

Why ‘other people had it worse’ may be keeping you stuck

Have you ever felt that you should be thankful, but you cannot access a sense of gratitude? There is an idea that having trauma means that a big, awful thing has happened. That because you grew up with a roof over your head, enough food, and everything seeming sort of fine from the outside, that you should somehow feel better about where you are now. And this feeling can keep you stuck in shame, because you think that others have it so much worse, and this somehow means you are ungrateful and failing. 

This belief- that you should be feeling more grateful because it ‘wasn’t that bad’, can stop you from acknowledging the truth of your own experience, make you minimise or even gaslight your own suffering, and prevent you from seeking help.

What relational and developmental trauma is, and how it might show up for you

We are all born with a set of intrinsic needs. We are born with a hardwired need for connection, attunement, understanding and the ability to be our authentic selves. As we develop, our nervous systems learn what to expect from other people, which becomes a template for how we expect people to treat us, as well as how we treat ourselves.

 If we grew up in a safe, loving home, with consistency, unconditional love and affection, our needs being met proactively, and acknowledgement of our innate goodness, we unconsciously expect those things from all our relationships. This leads us to seek out and develop safe, nurturing, healthy relationships throughout life, and to treat ourselves well.

However, if we grew up with inconsistent, unpredictable adults, parents who didn’t acknowledge us, who needed us to be a certain way to earn love, or who were outright abusive or neglectful, that then becomes our default expectation, which we carry into future relationships too. This is why having abusive parents can lead to having abusive adult relationships later in life, and why we can berate, shame and talk down to ourselves even if nothing seems ‘wrong’ from the outside. 

This unrecognised trauma could have occurred in a house where we were fed, clothed, went to school, had friends, weren’t in poverty, and never experienced or witnessed outright violence. This kind of unseen lack leads to whats called ‘little t trauma’- nothing huge or dramatic, but instead a damaging drip feed of unmet needs and unconscious expectations- leading to feelings of being undeserving, unimportant, unseen, disbelieved, and like your needs, wants and preferences don’t matter.

Why its so hard to identify

When we are shaped by these unseen forces, as children, its all we knew. We assume its normal. We grow up internalising the messages of ‘not good enough’ or ‘I must work hard to secure affection’. We can’t recognise it as trauma, because there isn’t a single event to pin it to. We assume the critical voice that tears us down every day is our own, not something thats inherited and can be changed.  We feel guilty for wanting more, for believing that others had it worse, for the inability to access a sense of internal safety that we were never freely given growing up.

How this shows up in adult life

Not knowing what true safety feels like can manifest in many different ways. Perhaps you become a people pleaser- needing to keep everyone else happy just feels life your job. Maybe you have unexplained chronic pain or tension. Perhaps you have an underlying pervasive feeling of ‘not- enoughness’ or not really belonging anywhere. You might find it hard to trust people, and either push people away before they hurt you, or chase them in a bid for connection. You might find it hard to relax, constantly feel on edge, overthinking and worrying, not being able to sleep at night. Perhaps you feel there is something wrong with you, like you are intrinsically broken and undeserving, stuck like this with no way out.

There is a way out

None of this means you are broken. Your nervous system and subconscious mind have done exactly what they are supposed to do- adapt to the circumstances, predict what comes next based on what has happened before, and try to keep you safe in the ways they know how to. But luckily, something that has been learned can be unlearned, and relationship styles can change at any point in life. 

Perhaps you have the words to describe your experience, and you understanding it logically already- or perhaps not. But knowing why is just the first step. The next step is learning how to feel safe, and giving your nervous system a different set of predictions, so you can bring the right sort of loving, healthy and secure relationships into your life. 

What might this look like? 

That depends on your unique situation- but potentially, it includes unwinding and replacing that harsh inner voice with a more realistic, supportive and up to date narrative, building healthy boundaries so you expect better treatment (from others- but also the way you treat yourself) and learning how to identify, focus on and expand safe and neutral sensations.

It may be looking into the past to release any unconscious beliefs about how you expect to be treated, building up your self esteem and self compassion so your inner world is a softer, kinder place to be, learning how to prioritise your own needs, and creating a future version of you thats full to the brim of self respect, self acceptance, and self kindness, so that you have a clear and achievable goal to work towards.

How this change might feel for you

Feeling safe is like coming home to yourself. Its not just the absence of danger- its been able to enjoy the little things, and knowing that you can choose to create and maintain fulfilling, secure relationships, and feeling like you can respond instead of react. Its talking kindly to yourself, the way you would an old friend. Feeling safe is forgiving yourself for all the things you did when you were in survival mode. Its being able to properly rest and relax, and not minding if other people don’t agree with you. It making decisions that are right for you, knowing that others will benefit from your wellbeing too. This is your right.

If this sounds like something that you need support to do, please reach out- this is something that I work with my clients all the time. It doesn’t need to feel big, scary or re-traumatising- the work is paced and contained at the same time as getting the results you need as quickly as possible.

Ready to start? Book a free call here. Consistent safety may just be closer than you think.